I woke up this morning on the proverbial "wrong side of the bed." I knew the minute my feet hit the floor that something was off and I needed to course correct if I wanted to make the best out of the day ahead of me. I also knew that I was meeting up with Mel, my study partner, today and that showing up to our meeting with a scowl on my face would shatter her image of me as a paragon of self actualization. At that moment I had a decision to make.
Happiness is a choice every moment of the day. Do I give up my happiness to fear, anger, sadness and frustration OR do I choose to be happy in spite of what I can't control and what is not meeting my expectation/s?
There is a Jewish story about The Maggid of Mezritch. His students questioned him as to how it was possible to be happy in life for both the good and the seemingly bad? He told them that they would find out the answer to their question if they went to visit Reb. Zusha. They travelled to his home and found him dressed in worn and torn clothes sitting in a dilapidated house. They asked him their question and he replied puzzled, "I really don't know why he sent you to me. You should find someone who's really suffering and ask them that question." To Reb. Zusha everything was good because he made the choice internally to accept it and be happy no matter what the external reality looked like.
When we let the emotions of our unmet expectations overtake us it doesn't actually serve us in a positive way. It only increases personal suffering and doesn't change the situation. If you're waiting for this to happen before you're happy or that to change before you're happy or for that purchase before you're happy then you're constantly on the treadmill putting your happiness in the hands of something external to yourself. It's pretty empowering to shift perspective and realize that the choice is ultimately yours.
I did end up meeting with Mel today and she shared with me some of the challenges she has been going through. I told her that perfect is never gonna happen and we have to get complete with life how it comes. She told me that she sees how I choose to be happy despite the circumstances and challenges of my life. Little did she know that some days it's harder to make that choice than others.
Growing up I always had this vision in my mind of how I wanted things to be. I was going to get married to guy "X" by 29, have my first kid by the age of 30 and have written my first book by the age of 35. Did any of those things happen? NO! None of those things happened. In fact if you would have told me that this was the way my life was going to unfold I would have laughed in your face followed by a big, "Yah, right!" That's the thing about being the oldest child with the "overachiever" mentality...you believe that if you push hard enough and keep yourself focused you can achieve anything. Life doesn't always turn out the way we envision it and the struggle becomes, "What's next?" For me the answer was accepting what's in front of me and appreciating it while simultaneously letting go and opening myself up to what lies ahead down the road and around the corner. Piece of cake right?
I read a story once about a little girl who had hoped for a party at home with friends for her birthday. She had not been privy to any plans but she felt fairly certain her parents would surprise her. The day came and the hours passed and still no friends and still no party. She observed her parents with expectant longing waiting for them to surprise her but it never happened. Resigned to the reality of the situation she locked herself in her room and refused to come out despite her parents exhortations. What she didn't realize however was that her parents were on the other side of the door holding birthday balloons and waiting to drive her to a surprise party where her friends were waiting for her at her favorite restaurant.
When we get "locked up" on the one way we're convinced something has to happen we cut ourselves off from other options we might not have even realized were possible. Although we may have a certain way we envision our lives unfolding, G-d has ENDLESS ways to send gifts and blessings into our lives. He is able to give things to us and bring us to places in ways we didn't even know were possible. When you come out of your vision and let go of holding on so tight to the one way you imagined something happening you open yourself up to other possibilities. It might not happen on your time table and it might not happen the way you thought it would but there is a good chance it will happen and it will be beyond anything you could have conceived. Are there still things I'm waiting for? YES. But I've learned to be more flexible about how these things could come to me. For now I've learned to sit back, relax and enjoy the adventure along the way. Give it a try. All you have to do is take the first step: open up the door and let go. You have no idea what surprises could be waiting for you on the other side.
There is this one conductor on the train into New York on my morning commute who always seems to get me in the right frame of mind for the day. Usually by the time I hit the train Monday morning I'm already psyched out trying to brace myself for the challenges of the work week to come. Without fail as soon as we roll into Penn Station this conductor is wishing us all a safe and pleasant day and even reminding us to chug water on these New York City summer scorchers. Every time I hear his cheerful announcements it never fails to trigger a mental switch which helps me get the day started with a positive attitude and a sunny disposition. "You know what, he's right! It IS going to be a great day!"
There is a Jewish idea that what you believe you perceive or your thoughts create your reality. There is a well known story about a man who was constantly in a bad mood and always had a frown plastered on his face. He was extremely unpleasant and no one in his town wanted to be around him as he projected his negativity out wherever he went. One of the rabbi's in the town told him to wear this mask with a smiling face on it for the next 30 days and by the end of that time they would remove it and see if his attitude had changed at all. Wouldn't you know that by the end of the 30 day test period when they removed the mask this man had a permanently plastered smile across his face. After living under the pretense of being a happy person he began to believe himself what he was trying to make others believe about him.
I try to keep this idea in mind whenever I begin to feel my thoughts get the better of me and try to push me down the rabbit hole. Acting "as if" can not only change your outlook and what you're projecting out but what you're creating for yourself as well. Some days it's as simple as locking onto a pleasant wish from a train conductor and building off of that.
Did you ever wake up in the morning, hit the snooze button on your alarm clock and think "Ugh...not this day again?" I can definitely say that I've felt this way once or twice :) Every morning on my walk to the train I see the same two ladies walking with the baby stroller and the same crossing guard directing traffic at the intersection at the end of my block. When you're stuck in the daily pattern of your life it can sometimes start to feel like you're trapped in a repetitive cycle of events that don't seem to be changing.
In one of my favorite movies,"Groundhog Day," the lead character is stuck living the same day over and over and over again. Initially he tries to manipulate the situations for his personal gain but that doesn't break the cycle. Then he decides to reject the situation and end his life to get out of it. That doesn't work either. Only when he accepts his situation and tries to make the best out of it does he finally wake up to a different day.
There is a famous Jewish story about Reb. Zusha and how when he was passing away he cried, "
When I pass from this world and appear before the Heavenly Tribunal, they won't ask me, 'Zusha, why weren't you as wise as Moses or as kind as Abraham,' rather, they will ask me, 'Zusha, why weren't you Zusha?' Why didn't I fulfill my potential, why didn't I follow the path that could have been mine."
Many times in life we have a vision of how we expect things to be. Ultimately we're not in control of how our life unfolds but only our reaction to the things that happen around us. What Reb. Zusha was worried about was not whether or not he was able to change his path and best someone else in what they accomplished, but if he was able to embrace HIS OWN path and maximize the potential of what he could have accomplished with what he was given.
When I feel myself slip into the pull of repetition in my daily routine I try to stop and mindfully ask myself "Am I in a place of acceptance or rejection right now? Am I maximizing this moment? Am I learning and growing from this experience?" Although we can't control what happens around us, through controlling your reactions and with some thoughtful reflection you could end up changing yourself. When you change yourself -- that's when things start to change around you and only then can you wake up to a different day.
I recently went to a bridal shower for an acquaintance in my community. She was in her late 30's and had never moved away from home before. Everyone at the shower was so impressed that she had been able to take such a huge leap. About a year after making this move she had found her soul mate and was about to get married. I sat there somewhat bewildered. I did a quick tally in my head and figured out that I had moved 18 times on my own since the age of 18. Was I missing something here? Why was she being applauded and rewarded for making one move in her whole life?
One of my teachers gave a beautiful analogy. The tests we are given in life are the weights that strengthen our spiritual muscles and G-d is our personal trainer. A person who coasts through life without any resistance also doesn't build up any muscle because there was nothing for them to strengthen themselves against. It occurred to me that this woman was being applauded because she'd never weight trained before! She needed the encouragement because for her that one move took all the strength she had. Each time I had one of my 18 moves I was being strengthened and trained to push myself harder. G-d keeps throwing me additional weight because He knows I have more strength in me that He can draw out. There is a Jewish saying "Lefum Tzaara Agra" which literally means "As the suffering so is the reward" or the more colloquial phrase: NO PAIN, NO GAIN.
As much as it hurt to admit to myself, all these challenges I keep getting thrown are really for my benefit and are in themselves my reward. Are there times I feel like I can't push anymore...YES! Are there times when the pain is excruciating...YES! But I know that I have the BEST personal trainer possible and ultimately the results are going to be amazing.
In one of my previous posts I talked about an event we had recently for work. I've done many of these weekend retreats over the years that I've worked for this organization and it pretty much always goes down the same exact way. Staying up late and not getting any sleep, having to work with conflicting personalities, grunt work, complaining guests; you name and I've pretty much dealt with it.
There is a famous Jewish story about two rabbis who get thrown into prison during one of their exiles together. The guards had put a huge "relief" pot for the prisoners in the middle of the room and the rabbis despaired that they wouldn't be able to learn with this pot sitting there which is what they wanted to do more than anything. One of the rabbis said to the other one, "It's true we can't learn but we can dance around this pot which we usually can't do." So they embraced the situation and sang and danced around the pot. The prison guards rushed in demanding to know what the commotion was about. When they found out the rabbis were singing and dancing around the pot they quickly removed it.
There are many times in life where we are given situations that we're not happy about or that we feel block us from getting what we really want. If we show G-d that we are accepting what He is giving us in happiness, it is usually then that the situation goes away and we are able to receive what it really is that we desire.
In the case of the stressful weekend, this year I decided to embrace the situation, enjoy it and go with the flow despite any discomfort that came up. Conflicting personalities = compliments and conversation. Staying up late = laughing and making it fun. Grunt work = finding a friend to help me do it and making funny IPhone videos together. Complaining guests = empathy. You know what? It was the BEST weekend I've ever done! When I embraced the situation, accepted it and tried to make the best of it all my frustration melted away and it turned into the experience I really wanted to have.
The last few months at work we had been planning a weekend retreat in the mountains in upstate New York. After all the months of intense planning we finally had the retreat this past weekend. On Thursday afternoon I left work early and took the train from Manhattan to Poughkeepsie where I met up with my boss. I had called ahead of time and scheduled a cab to pick us up and take us to the resort and like clockwork as soon as I got out of the train station in Poughkeepsie the cabbie was there waiting for us.
As soon as he opened the door to his van I knew we were in for an adventure. The seats were covered in woven mexican rugs and there were no arm rests on the seats. As soon as we shut the doors he slammed his foot down on the gas and I had to grab onto the seat with both hands to keep from sliding all over the van. Not 10 minutes into the trip he signaled right and pulled off into a gas station. Unprofessional, but I figured it was an emergency nature calling situation so forgivable. We sat there in the van with the windows cracked in stifling heat for at least 10-12 minutes blocking 3 pumps at this gas station. By this point we were trying to figure out a contingency plan for getting to the resort.
Finally the cabbie came ambling along calmly carrying a cold drink and a couple of bags of snacks. My boss and I looked at each other like "What the heck?" Could you imagine being in a cab or an uber in Manhattan and the guy pulling off for a 10 minute break? We were relieved to be back en route especially me after already having travelled a 1.5 hour leg of the journey up until this point. After a half hour in the car I could tell that we weren't in Kansas anymore. Signs of civilization were few and far between and all you could see for miles were green rolling hills and occasional pools of water here and there.
The roads started to get incredibly windy and twisty the further from civilization we got. One would usually slow down once you hit terrain like this but our driver not only continued along at the same speed but increased his speed. I held onto my seat for dear life in the back trying not to go flying all over the van. My boss yelled up to him that he missed the turnoff for the road to the resort and he slammed on the breaks about 5 feet past the turnoff.
I grabbed a plastic bag and braced myself as a wave of nausea overtook me. After backing up and getting himself back en route we were at the resort about 7 minutes later. I got out of the car and breathed deeply filling my lungs with the fresh country air while trying to steady myself from our rollicking 45 minutes in the van.
It occurred to me that this situation I had experienced is not so different from the windy, twisty road of life. There are unexpected stops along the way that I never saw coming and wasn't necessarily happy about it. There have been uncomfortable moments that lasted much longer than I would have preferred and there were times when I felt I was being pushed to my limits and like I couldn't take anymore. This experience gave me perspective that in the BIG picture of life, situations that we find unpleasant or uncomfortable really don't last that long. Even though they're painful and feel like they take forever to pass through when we're in them we WILL eventually pass through them. G-d knows what He's doing driving us on the road of our lives. It may be painful, uncomfortable and at times unbearable but if we just grab on tight and hold on long enough we'll get to the beautiful resort He's got waiting for us at the end of our journey. All we have to do is sit back, relax and trust the driver.
